I'm just going to come out with it. I haven't been trusting God... at all. Last summer He said He would heal me, and He said it again at winter retreat a month ago. But I've just blown Him off, not really believing He would, or that He even could. I told Him He was awesome and powerful and that He could do anything... but then I turned right around and told myself that He couldn't do anything for me. I told other people how awesome my God is, how he created the universe and how He holds the beating of our hearts in His hands; all the while forgetting that I, too, am His creation. That I, too, am a sheep in His flock. I told Him, "Lord, you are the Good Shepherd," but I forgot that His care and protection extends to me, too. And so God decided to remind me of exactly who He is, who it is that I'm doubting. It all started with the Bible study I went to on Thursday morning before school started. The topic? God's perfect timing, and waiting for it with patience and faith. The example used was Lazarus: Lazarus was a close friend of Jesus, but one day he fell mortally ill. His sister Mary sent a message to Jesus, trusting that if he came he could heal Lazarus and prevent his death. However, Jesus waited a few more days, knowing full well that Lazarus would die in that time. When he finally arrived at Mary's house, he went to the tomb where Lazarus was laid to rest. Then Jesus called to the dead man, "Lazarus, come out!", and he came back to life. Seeing this miracle, many of the Jews who were there mourning Lazarus put their faith in him and were saved. With this on my mind, I went home at the end of the day and went on Facebook. While I was checking my profile, I noticed the daily Bible verse application that I have up. That day's Bible verse was from the story of Lazarus' resurrection, which we had discussed that very morning.
John 11:40: Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
Not gonna lie- this hit me like a sledgehammer. It was God rebuking me, loud and clear, for doubting Him. He didn't stop there, however. In the past two days I've happened across two other passages speaking directly to my unbelief:
Romans 8:28: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
2 Corinthians 1:19-20: "For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ."
And also this, from Crazy Love by Francis Chan: "I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn't match our lives. We say things like, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises." (page 168)
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Father God, I'm so sorry that I've doubted Your promise to me. You promised me that You will heal me, and that You will always be with me. Who am I to call You a liar? How can I fear the thorn in my side when Your right hand holds me steady, and Your left keeps Satan at bay? Your Word tells me that You have known me since before I knew myself. You have a plan for me, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, a plan to use this thorn in my side for Your glory and Yours alone. Whether or not this burden is removed from my life is Your decision to make, not mine; and I submit myself to whichever outcome will bring glory to Your name. I will not give the enemy a weakness to exploit by feeling bitter about the way You made me. If this thorn in my side comes from You, oh Lord, I will consider it a blessing rather than a curse, for whatever comes from You has a purpose and a meaning. Father God, break down the walls of fear and comfort and security which I hide behind, so that I can look upon Your face with eyes clear of the fog of doubt. Search me, oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Amen.
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